Transcendence
by emeralddusk
Summary: Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, and Acceptance. Find yourself again in love.


_New Life: Chapter One_

Transcendence

Chapter One:

Samantha

_Denial_

The night was cold. Rain turned to shards of ice under the empty blessing of a darkened moon above. The wind was coarse, sharp, and as penetrating as a frozen river to a body opened with wounds. Leaning against a chilled brick wall for support, her eyes nearly blinded with hot, burning tears, Sam felt the damp ground of an empty alley under her bent knees as her friend's head rested atop her lap. Still, silent, and growing colder, Carly's body no longer embraced her friend's loving arms. Her long, straight, smooth brunette hair no longer shielded the girl's expressions, not that there were any left. Snuffing back, trying to fight off the tears, Samantha choked on her tears as she began desperately stroking the limp locks of hair from her best friend's soft, pale face. All else was quiet: nothing else existed. "Please wake up," the blond girl begged in a broken whisper. "Please come back…you're too young…I'm too young. Please wake up." _You can't go yet. You can't let go. You can't leave me alone._

_Give me a reason to believe_

_That you're gone._

_I see your shadow, so I know…_

_They're all wrong._

_Moonlight on the soft, brown earth:_

_It leads me to where you lay._

The night had been so cold. The noise was so loud: so sudden: so shattering. Then, in that same instant, it all stopped. Unable to accept that she was all alone, Sam remained with Carly, singing gently to her and slowly brushing her hair with her hand. "You're gonna be okay," the delusional young woman promised through a sorrow-ridden smile. "We're gonna be okay. We're gonna get through this. Just like we always do. Then tomorrow, we can act like this never happened, and we can be fine. We can be happy and we can keep being friends forever. I won't leave you. I'm gonna be here when you wake up." Lightly kissing the girl who was a sister to her on her icy forehead, Sam blinked back her tears and began chuckling under her breath before telling Carly a story to pass the time.

_They took you away from me…_

_But now I'm taking you home._

Her teeth digging into her lower lip, Sam's eyes clenched tightly as the hot, burning tears welled up within her eyes as she forced an agonized smile onto her face, choking out suffering breaths that nearly sounded like laughter. "You're gonna be okay," the girl promised, running her hands down Carly's long hair, _like she'd seen a teacher do when Wendy passed out in the hallway._ "I love you, Carly. And you're way too strong to give up. You'll always be my friend, and we'll always keep each other strong. Now come on…we've got all night to spend together…let's tell each other some stories, like when we did that ridiculous game show to get Gibby a date." Laughing through all her pain, Sam, for an instant, returned to her former, happy self. "But Gibby accidentally chose you…and we had to go through all that stuff to get him with that girl who liked Freddie…and what did you tell me that night?"

_I will stay forever here with you…_

_My love…_

_The softly spoken words you gave me,_

"_Even in death, our love goes on."_

"You remember," Sam continued, even though she was in silence: silence that would never end or go away. "You said, 'Gibby's so lucky to love someone.' And I said you were all crazy. Don't you remember that? I swear, I laughed all night." Staring into space, the blond girl smiled as hot tears freely streamed down her cheeks. "And then we spent the night at your house…and you read me that story you wrote when we were kids…about falling in love and living happy ever after. Don't you remember that? I had so much fun…We had so much fun."

_Some say I'm crazy for my love…_

_My love._

_But no bonds can hold me from your side,_

_My love._

_They don't know you can't leave me…_

_They don't hear you singing to me._

"We'll always be friends, Carly," Sam promised. "You won't be able to push me away." Soon, the young woman's tears began dripping onto Carly's face, but Sam didn't wipe them off: they made her look alive.

_I will stay forever here with you._

…

_And I can't love you any more than I do._

_People die, but real love is forever._

"I love you, Carly," Sam whispered, hugging her friend tightly, feeling her face against her own. "So please wake up. You can't leave me alone. Cuz we're friends…and friends never give up. I love you, Carly. You're my best friend ever."

watch?v=sTP5Cx4BbZw&list=PLBO80gipSJveMw2KSFA8Jb2uSWchhMWAj&index=2

_Anger_

The room was warm, but so empty. Seated in her chair, alone in the silent, motionless room with her best friend lying in the casket, Sam glared at Carly's still, emotionless face. Everyone had gone. Everything that could ever hurt them was gone. "You weren't supposed to go yet," the blond girl angrily declared, not taking her eyes off her friend, even though she refused to look Sam in the eyes. "You weren't supposed to leave me alone. You were supposed to love me. You were supposed to be my friend…and I was supposed to be yours."

_Bury all your secrets in my skin._

"We were always there for each other," Sam declared, her voice nearly a snarl. "We shared everything…we told each other everything. We said we'd always be friends…You promised me you'd never leave me like they did…" Silence filled the air. "You _broke_ your promise," the girl cried out. And Carly didn't even answer.

_Come away with innocence_

_and leave me with my sins…_

_The air around me still feels like a cage._

Angrily trying to ward off more tears, Sam choked back, unable to control or silence her breathing. "You left me here…You left me here all alone. There's no one left for me now. How could you do this to me? Carly, I thought you were my friend. I'd never leave you. I never did…Damn you…damn you for leaving me alone to face all this!" Sharply rising from her chair, Sam's red, swollen, bloodshot eyes overflowed with agonizing tears, blurring her vision of all but Carly. "…Damn you for leaving me without you…" Clenching the rim of the coffin, Sam hung her head down towards Carly, lying still, lying cold, never to move again.

_And love is just a camouflage…_

_For what resembles rage again._

(There was silence, and it's the silence that breaks us)

_So if you love me, let me go…_

_And run away before I know._

"How could I pretend this didn't kill me?" Sam demanded of her friend. "How did I ever think I'd be ready? And when everything fell down…why weren't you there to fight through it with me?"

_My heart is just too dark to care._

_I can't destroy what isn't there._

"Maybe I'm better off alone…" Sam whispered. "This way I can't hurt anyone I love…but why do I always have to be alone? Why didn't you change that, Carly?"

_Deliver me into my fate._

_If I'm alone, I cannot hate._

_I don't deserve to have you._

"I'm so sorry…" the blond young woman whispered, still clenching the box that kept her from her best friend. "I'm sorry I let you down…but you didn't have to give up on me." _I don't deserve to have you._ "How could you do this?"

_My smile was taken long ago._

_If I can change, I hope I never know._

"I can't walk away from this," Sam declared. "And I thought you couldn't walk away from me, either."

_I couldn't face a life without your light_

_(Without your light)._

Looking back, the young woman found herself trying to steal Carly's sandwich when they were children. Carly pushed her down, and the two became friends. They remained together through everything: growing up, lies, periods, parents leaving, abuse, relationship problems, broken hearts and bones, love, and friendship.

_But all of that was ripped apart…_

_When you refused to fight._

Now, Sam was alone. No one to share her problems or joys with. No one to love her and be loved by her. No one to call a sister.

_So save your breath,_

_I will not care._

_I think I've made it very clear…_

Sam and Carly: friends forever. Sam all alone with Carly gone without a word. Sam Puckett all alone with no one to save her from everything she had to live with.

_You couldn't hate enough to love…_

_Is that supposed to be enough?_

_I only wish you weren't my friend:_

_That I could hurt you in the end._

"I'll always love you, Carly," Sam confessed. _I can't be meant to be alone._

_I never claimed to be a saint._

_My love was banished long ago:_

_It took the death of all to let you go._

"You could've fought harder," Sam cried, her shattered heart stabbing into her throbbing throat until each word drew blood. "We could've been together forever…I'd never leave you. I'd be your friend forever, Carly…so why did you leave?"

_You never needed any help…_

_You sold me out to save yourself._

"Now I'm all alone," the girl confessed. "Just like everyone always wanted me to be…I tried so hard to be better…to make people stop hating me…but I just couldn't do it…but I thought you understood…that you'd help me get better. But you just ran away."

_You ran away:_

_You're all the same._

_Angels lie to keep control…_

_My love was punished long ago._

_If you still care, don't ever let me know._

After an hour of silence and making peace with what she'd said, Sam fell to her knees, just as she did the night she held Carly for the last time. "I'm so sorry…" Sam confessed in a whisper. "I'm so sorry for everything I did…and I'm so sorry for what I said…you tried so hard, but I couldn't see that. You would've stayed my friend forever…and I was stupid to doubt that…but you've gotta see where I'm coming from…it's so easy to think of you like everyone else…everyone who sold me out once they got something to use against me…But that's not you. You're not like them…You made me realize I'm worth saving, Carly…and you were too young to die…and I still love you. And I always will." Kissing her beloved friend one last time, Sam let the day end, and the night freeze everything. _I'll always love you._

watch?v=li2alMUVJIE&list=PLBO80gipSJveMw2KSFA8Jb2uSWchhMWAj

_Bargaining_

The room had fallen silent. Everything was said and done, leaving only emptiness. _I've thought it all over…I'll always love you…and I can't live without you, Carls. I'm so sorry…for everything. Please come back to me._

Is this the moment where I look you in the eye?

Forgive my broken promise that you'll never see me cry.

Bent down on her knees, Sam kept her eyes closed, refusing to let go of the sides of the coffin. Her long blond hair covering her face, the young woman went over prayers in her head. "Please, God…" she begged, her voice hoarse and cracking. "Take me instead. Not Carly…not now. Everybody needs her alot more than me…it'd be okay. They won't miss me…please, just let her come back…I miss her."

And everything: it will surely change

Even if I tell you I won't go

Away today.

Will you think that you're all alone…

When no one's there to hold your hand?

When all you know seems so far away and everything is temporary:

Rest your head…

I'm permanent.

_She feels so cold…Spencer and Freddie are dying without her. _"God, please…just let it be like it used to. Let us all just wake up and be together and be happy one more time…please. She loves us, we love her, and it just can't end like this."

I know they're living in hell every single day…

And so I ask, "Oh God, is there some way for me to take her place?"

And when they say it's so touch-and-go,

I wish I could make it go away!

But still you say…

Will you think that you're all alone

When no one's there to hold your hand?

Gazing at Carly's sweet, loving face, Sam gently stroked a brown lock of hair off the girl's forehead, trying to smile to herself. "Please, God…please make it me instead. Let Carly be okay, please."

I'm permanent.

…

Is this the moment where I look you in the eye?

Forgive my promise that you'll never see me cry.

Dropping her head once again, Sam let the tears stream down her face, feeling her dearest friend's hand grow cold in her grasp. _Carly's never coming back._

watch?v=pOjtUu137bA&list=PLBO80gipSJveMw2KSFA8Jb2uSWchhMWAj&index=4

_Depression_

White walls surround us.

No light will touch your face again.

Rain taps the window…

As we sleep among the dead.

_I can't get up from this. I don't think I'm ever gonna be okay again._ Images played out for an instant: "…Have you ever had something happen…and you feel like you'll never get over it?" a younger Samantha asked her teacher in private, just trying to make all the hurt go away for a second.

Days go on forever…

But I have not left your side.

We can chase the dark together.

From a young age, Sam and Carly ran and played and laughed together as the best of friends. That would never change. They knew they'd always have and love each other. _I love you, Carly…and I miss you so much._

If you go…then so will I.

There is nothing left of you.

I can see it in your eyes.

Sing the Anthem of the Angels…

And say the last goodbye.

"It kills me to look at you like this," Sam said, wanting nothing more than to lie down in the crypt beside her friend forever. "How the hell'd we fall apart, Carls? I'm so sorry."

Cold light above us…

Hope fills the heart, then fades away.

Skin white as winter

As the sky returns to gray.

Days go on forever, but I have not left your side.

We can chase the dark together:

If you go, then so will I…

There is nothing left of you.

I can see it in your eyes.

Sing the Anthem of the Angels…

And say the last goodbye.

Snuffing back her tears, Sam shook her head, gazed upward towards her friend, letting her hair part around her red, swollen, raw cheeks, and rose up to hug Carly one last time. Crying openly, the young woman closed her eyes, dying to feel one last second of warmth: one last heartbeat from her best friend.

I keep holding onto you, but I can't bring you back to life.

The silence burned. Choking in heavy breaths, Sam fell back into the cradle she rendered herself inside.

There is nothing left of you.

I can see it in your eyes.

Sing the Anthem of the Angels:

Say the last goodbye.

I keep holding onto you,

But I cannot bring you back to life.

Sing the Anthem of the Angels…

Say the last goodbye.

"…Goodbye, Carly," Sam whispered, trying so hard to leave everything behind and try to live another day.

watch?v=QB3pxBDZvf4&list=PLBO80gipSJveMw2KSFA8Jb2uSWchhMWAj

_Acceptance_

_My mom used to tell me about the broken wings of an angel…and how they still flew even though it seemed hopeless. Maybe there is something after death that matters._ Gently stroking her hand atop the smooth, white and silver lid of the casket, Sam felt a coolness upon her face, and warmth upon her hand. _I love you, Carly…and I know you love me, too. And I know you're gone…but I think I'm gonna see you again._

Spend all your time waiting…

For that second chance.

For a break that would make it okay.

…

And it's hard at the end of the day.

I need some distraction. Oh, beautiful release.

Memories seep through my veins.

They may be empty

Or weightless and maybe

I'll find some peace tonight.

Remembering running through the forest as children, Sam tackled Carly just in time to roll down the hill. Once they hit the bottom, they both laughed. Years later, Freddie smiled as he typed away just before a new iCarly webisode was filmed. Sam and Carly talked and giggled until Freddie glanced over at them and joined in.

_I know it's different now…but you'll always be my friend, Carly. You'll always be safe and sound in my heart…where you're safe from anything that hunts you down. Keep safe and warm for me, Carls. I love you._

In the Arms of the Angels, fly away from here.

From this dark, cold hotel room, and the endlessness that you fear.

You are pulled from the wreckage…

Of your silent reverie.

You're in the Arms of the Angels:

May you find some comfort here.

"Death isn't something you can just…get over," a loving voice once told the young blond girl. "You just learn to accept it…and some day, the pain starts to go away."

So tired of the straight line.

And everywhere you turn,

There's vultures and thieves at your back.

The storm keeps on twisting,

You keep on building the lies…

That you make up for all that you lack.

It don't make no difference.

Escaping one last time.

_You didn't leave me by choice…and I'm so sorry I thought that. You're not like the rest of them. You've always been special…like God sent you here just to help me get through my life…I think you've done that, Carly. And I love you._

It's easier to believe…

In this sweet madness…

All this glorious sadness

That brings me to my knees.

In the Arms of an Angel,

Fly away from here:

From this dark, cold hotel room,

And the emptiness that you fear.

For one last time, Carly and Sam hugged one another, basking in the warmth of the other as their hands touched the backs of their friend. Resting their smiling, happy, and weary heads on the other's shoulder, Carly and Sam took comfort in the single moment they had together. They were more than friends. _I'll always love you, Carly. You're just like a sister to me._

You are pulled from the wreckage…

Of your silent reverie.

Like stars in the heavens, Sam and Carly found themselves in that same loving embrace one last time: keeping them warm in the night. They would never fall apart. _Rest in peace…'cuz I'm coming to see you someday. Love you, Carly._

In the Arms of the Angels…

May you find…

Some comfort here.

Kissing a rose, Sam laid the beautiful, hand-painted flower against the stone that would forever bear Carly's name on its surface. _I love you, Carly._ As the sun set over the horizon, painting the skies a vibrant but dull orange and crimson, it was time to go home.

watch?v=1SiylvmFI_8&list=PLBO80gipSJveMw2KSFA8Jb2uSWchhMWAj&index=6

Made in Loving Memory

of all those we've lost.

The story never ends, and neither does friendship.


End file.
